Back in the saddle?!

Yesterday was my first real day back after the holidays and the YWAM team.

I was exhausted when I got home. 17 patients!! Amazing! All of those feelings and struggles and questions re-flooded my mind. Questions like: what impact have i had? Have I even dented the situation?

I am a person that sees the big picture. We're always told; "look at the big picture" or, "step back and take it in". BUT I CAN'T HERE!!

The Big Picture is out of my control. It's got too many little pictures of despair and struggles that when I even toy with the idea of looking at it's entirety then I melt into a puddle on the street. It takes all of my energy to just look at one girl at a time. To look at one area of health at a time. To have one goal at a time.

Not only do I love to look at the big picture but I am also a person that wants to SAVE THE WORLD! Yep. I am. I admit. And so I have this tendency to want to sink my nails into things. To want to control. To want to give and give and give and give. And when nothings coming back to fill me up....I "melt into a puddle on the street!" I recently had, i guess you could say, a bout of exhaustion. I learned of God's amazing grace. To be easy on myself....because?: I AM HUMAN! Wow. I feel quite silly to think that that was my lesson. Obviously I'm human! duh! But when all you see when you look around is need, and all you want to do is give, then the combo becomes deadly.....

So...I guess I'm being easy on myself. I'm praying now that God would give me a clear direction to go in. What area should I focus on? Should I focus on getting all the children vaccinated? Or all the girls tetanus shots done? Or should I teach some education classes on basic hygiene or the importance of wearing shoes/sandals? Should I get all of their eyes tested? Or should I just simply get them all HIV tested? Should I gather all the preggy ladies and do a lesson on self care and baby care? AHHHH.....there's a lot. And I want to do it all. But I just can't...

I had a revelation come to me yesterday. It was simply that "I need." I need just as much as these Daughter's need. Just as much as they need love and encouragement. I need that as well. I am the same. They are my peers. They are my sisters. I am not above or below them. They are not beyond my reach. And I am not beyond theirs. We are human and we are sinners and we are loved despite that.

I am humbled that even though I am the same age as them, that I sin just like them, that I am lost without God, just like them...that God somehow sent ME here.

And I think I know what He wants me to do.

He wants me to show them;

that I am just like them.

Amen.